For a while I was weighed down with the feeling of not leaving much of me behind when I left Guilford College. I came back for visits and saw what people were doing in terms of artistic contribution, and I could not help but feel useless and creatively empty.
However, looking back, with the help of still frames, despite all the regrets and poorly made decision, I have done something to contribute to the activist community, to the artistic community, to love and to friendships. Thinking about the past rises my body temperature to a feverish pitch. I get caught up in a memory and waste energies thinking how I could have changed the outcomes. But everything in our lives happens but once and there is no way to rehearse for a situation, there is no way to stage a moment. Things that are most beautiful are those that are unplanned and spontaneous- those tend to be the most authentic of memories, and most dear- part of "God's" choreography -not ours.
I havent acted in over 2 years and this is the most I have gone without performing. Lack of practice inevitably leads to self-doubt which leads to poor choices-which leads to unemployment.
I hope this year is different. I just have to not want it so bad, cause when I dont care everything I do is simultaneously focused and effortless, and thats when I begin to move forward and feel most like myself.
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