Tunage!

My One True Love...

I'm gonna name him Jude. I've decided.

Curtain Down & The Tyranny of Nostalgia

For a while I was weighed down with the feeling of not leaving much of me behind when I left Guilford College. I came back for visits and saw what people were doing in terms of artistic contribution, and I could not help but feel useless and creatively empty.

However, looking back, with the help of still frames, despite all the regrets and poorly made decision, I have done something to contribute to the activist community, to the artistic community, to love and to friendships. Thinking about the past rises my body temperature to a feverish pitch. I get caught up in a memory and waste energies thinking how I could have changed the outcomes. But everything in our lives happens but once and there is no way to rehearse for a situation, there is no way to stage a moment. Things that are most beautiful are those that are unplanned and spontaneous- those tend to be the most authentic of memories, and most dear- part of "God's" choreography -not ours.

I havent acted in over 2 years and this is the most I have gone without performing. Lack of practice inevitably leads to self-doubt which leads to poor choices-which leads to unemployment.

I hope this year is different. I just have to not want it so bad, cause when I dont care everything I do is simultaneously focused and effortless, and thats when I begin to move forward and feel most like myself.

Let It Be...

Today, May 6th 2008 is my two year anniversary of being a college graduate. Its a bit unsettling to think about since my life has taken me in so many different directions since I left North Carolina and I still feel as if I haven't arrived anywhere stable or decisive. Right now I feel as if I'm stuck in between two worlds, one being childhood and the other the active pursuit of a life long dream. I cant afford to make a step backwards and not quiet ready enough to leap forward.

I still cant figure out if I have thrown these two years away or have lived them to the fullest. Since coming home to NY in May of 2006 I've had 6 different jobs, working for different people and never really doing the things that I wanted to be doing. Its a bit heartbreaking to realize that I havent really done something that I'm proud of, something that is mine, something that I've created. Not having any artistic opportunities have made me doubt my own talents and consequently question this two year gap I've unknowingly reserved for 'soul searching.'

Emotionally, I've come a long way since then, I have to admit. I've discovered a solidarity between pain and hope and that no matter the trials that life has given me, I've never stopped dreaming. Its a great quality to have, and I'm proud to have it. I took this silly test on facebook that, based on how you answer the questions, will tell you which Beatles song you are, and much to my surprise, I am "Let It Be.."
and this is what it said...

Let it Be
You are an extremely optimistic individual and you are strong and content no matter what difficulties lie ahead of you. You know that you have no control over certain things in life and therefore you just do what you can and let the rest be. People enjoy being around you since you are so relaxed and easygoing. You put your faith in some higher power-whether that be God, the universe, or just your own unfailing spirit. Patience and courage are two qualities you are never without.

I'd like to believe that this is true and part of me does . I never give up the things that I believe in and if I let go it means that i've come to terms with its absence.

I'm looking forward to spending another summer in the park, writing music and reflecting on life with a bottle of white and a pack of nat shermans.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

(Also, one of the great Pink Floyd albums next to The Division Bell.)

As my lunch break, consisting of a brow wax and a stale pretzel, was coming to an end, I was overcome with desire to flee the city and spend the next couple of months sailing through the rivers of Belize. Then a cab almost ran me over and I was once again drawn back to reality, scratching my inflamed forehead and dusting the pretzel salt off my wrinkled scarf.

the end