Tunage!

My One True Love...

I'm gonna name him Jude. I've decided.

Curtain Down & The Tyranny of Nostalgia

For a while I was weighed down with the feeling of not leaving much of me behind when I left Guilford College. I came back for visits and saw what people were doing in terms of artistic contribution, and I could not help but feel useless and creatively empty.

However, looking back, with the help of still frames, despite all the regrets and poorly made decision, I have done something to contribute to the activist community, to the artistic community, to love and to friendships. Thinking about the past rises my body temperature to a feverish pitch. I get caught up in a memory and waste energies thinking how I could have changed the outcomes. But everything in our lives happens but once and there is no way to rehearse for a situation, there is no way to stage a moment. Things that are most beautiful are those that are unplanned and spontaneous- those tend to be the most authentic of memories, and most dear- part of "God's" choreography -not ours.

I havent acted in over 2 years and this is the most I have gone without performing. Lack of practice inevitably leads to self-doubt which leads to poor choices-which leads to unemployment.

I hope this year is different. I just have to not want it so bad, cause when I dont care everything I do is simultaneously focused and effortless, and thats when I begin to move forward and feel most like myself.

Let It Be...

Today, May 6th 2008 is my two year anniversary of being a college graduate. Its a bit unsettling to think about since my life has taken me in so many different directions since I left North Carolina and I still feel as if I haven't arrived anywhere stable or decisive. Right now I feel as if I'm stuck in between two worlds, one being childhood and the other the active pursuit of a life long dream. I cant afford to make a step backwards and not quiet ready enough to leap forward.

I still cant figure out if I have thrown these two years away or have lived them to the fullest. Since coming home to NY in May of 2006 I've had 6 different jobs, working for different people and never really doing the things that I wanted to be doing. Its a bit heartbreaking to realize that I havent really done something that I'm proud of, something that is mine, something that I've created. Not having any artistic opportunities have made me doubt my own talents and consequently question this two year gap I've unknowingly reserved for 'soul searching.'

Emotionally, I've come a long way since then, I have to admit. I've discovered a solidarity between pain and hope and that no matter the trials that life has given me, I've never stopped dreaming. Its a great quality to have, and I'm proud to have it. I took this silly test on facebook that, based on how you answer the questions, will tell you which Beatles song you are, and much to my surprise, I am "Let It Be.."
and this is what it said...

Let it Be
You are an extremely optimistic individual and you are strong and content no matter what difficulties lie ahead of you. You know that you have no control over certain things in life and therefore you just do what you can and let the rest be. People enjoy being around you since you are so relaxed and easygoing. You put your faith in some higher power-whether that be God, the universe, or just your own unfailing spirit. Patience and courage are two qualities you are never without.

I'd like to believe that this is true and part of me does . I never give up the things that I believe in and if I let go it means that i've come to terms with its absence.

I'm looking forward to spending another summer in the park, writing music and reflecting on life with a bottle of white and a pack of nat shermans.

A Momentary Lapse of Reason

(Also, one of the great Pink Floyd albums next to The Division Bell.)

As my lunch break, consisting of a brow wax and a stale pretzel, was coming to an end, I was overcome with desire to flee the city and spend the next couple of months sailing through the rivers of Belize. Then a cab almost ran me over and I was once again drawn back to reality, scratching my inflamed forehead and dusting the pretzel salt off my wrinkled scarf.

the end

OMG, Nice Teeth!

This is what happens when you brush your teeth with White Out. But whatever thats not the point. I enjoy Jon Bon Jovi's smile almost as much as I enjoy his music. Please dont judge me. Thank you.

One may think, why is Vita writing about Jon Bon Jovi. The truth is i'm not. The purpose of this blog is actually very different. I was trying to find an image that would best illustrate the intention of my blog, thusly I googled "nice teeth" and incidentally his picture came up first in the search. All in all it fits perfectly, because a. I love Bon Jovi and 2. because I, myself am getting a set of "nice teeth"

I've been living with my teeth for almost a quarter of a century and after years of an insecure stuggle and debate whether or not I should get rid of such a defining characteristic, I decided yes!

I'm looking forward to seeing the transformation take place over the next couple of weeks.

I've been spending more quality time with my teeth the past couple of weeks, bought them new floss and mouthwash to make up for all the grueling surgeries they have endured and will have to endure before their eventual disappearance. I dont know how they feel about no longer being part of my physical charm, but deep inside their cavities they know they will always be remembered for their biting wit and strong enamel.

I'm super excited!

Desperately Seeking Summer!

I want cook-outs and ultimate frisbee games.I want to sit for hours at a sidewalk cafe drinking wine and chain smoking. I want central park picnics, and long waks along the railroad tracks. I want a bench by the lake and a tire swing.I want long drives with the windows down.I want a whole lotta bluegrass on a hot summer night.
I want to sit on a screetcing porch swing, clumsily strum my guitar and remember the backroads of Carolina. I want to take your picture as your lean against an old sycamore starring at a moonlit path. I want to sit in silence on the hood of my car and listen to secada's argue in the distance and feel the humid breeze circling my body - a moment when I no longer feel the weight of deep nostalgia.

a pause for dreaming....

Inter-Galactic Planetary Pearls of Nut-case-ness!

I suggest people read this article. It appears as though these Scientologists are the neo-NKVD (KGB) leaders.

Reel Time: Burnt by the Sun

The arrogance of some american film critics baffles me, especially when they begin to tap into issues that are inherently outside of their own cultural understanding. They are quick to provide a sharp, often ignorant opinion on a foreign work of art instead of attempting to understand it with a kind of open-mindness that is so often promoted and celebrated in 20th century america.

I'm talking about a movie review I recently read in Boston Review, whose critic described the movie as one having, "no soul." This movie has more "soul" than most American films I've seen dealing with the atrocities of World War II. Burnt by the Sun isnt your typical American, plot driven film. The beauty of this film lies it its ability to magnify the reality of the human condition through carefully measured images, words and metaphors.

The film is dedicated to those who were "Burnt by the Sun" of the revolution, to those who naively or out of fear believed in the promise of communism and in the reign of Stalin. But mostly, to those innocent families disillusionned by their own loved ones. This film has a modesty and subtlety that many films dealing with this time period dont have. You have to see it to understand. Because this film not only has a soul but it has a beating heart that resonates in the minds of those that felt the lasting effects of Stalin's reign of terror.

Rent it and see for yourself.

Reel Time: Must See!

Happy Earth Day!

So, I've never been one of those extreme liberals on a soap box spewing facts about the state of the world or reasons to switch to an all vegan diet. However, I would like to take this day to remind all of ya'll to eat mindfully and support your local organic farmers.

Day Minder: Happy Monday!

My week is off to a great start I think. Work is almost done. To kill time, I spent today researching grad schools and mental illnesses. For example I know that Columbia University does not offer a MFA in Photography and that it is better to be Bipolar I than Bipolar II.

In other news: I got a yellow legal pad and a new building ID. Just what I ALWAYS wanted.

I'm glad that all the mental illnesses I researched today were so outrageous that I managed to refrain from diagnosing myself with any of them. I'm glad I'm mentally healthy for the most part...according to my professional opinion.

On the other hand the grad school thing is not quiet falling into place. I havent the vaguest idea of what I want to go to grad school for. Well I know what I want to do ideally..take pictures, travel around the world, familiarize myself with different cultures, immerse myself in them, report back and make lots of money. Now, to achieve that you gotta have a degree in Photography, Journalism, Anthrolopogy, Sociology and Greed and I dont think I have time for all of that. So, the next step is to limit my options.

My time is up. I'll be back tomorrow.

Blahgs: March 25, 2008: Becoming an Adult

Alas, another weekend has gone by and not once was i wasted singing show tunes and 80s top 40 hits on the streets of the east village. No. For the past couple of days I found myself at home, in my room trying to figure out how to set up the damn AirPort Express that I got in the mail, for the sole reason of lying in bed and blogging while the canned laughter coming from a B-rated sitcom underscores my musings. I finally got it to work, so now I’m in bed blogging with the TV on- Just what I’ve always wanted!

Because my mother possesses a soviet socioeconomic mentality, we rarely have tasty snacks around the house to munch on like other normal, for the most part American families. I’ve always envied friends who got to drink apple juice out of a cute box, with a bendy straw and gnaw on Fruit by the Foot wrapped around their index finger, while i sat by myself in the lunch room looking down on my plate of herring and boiled potatoes. The reason I’m saying this is because i wish I had a snack, something to munch on in between these paragraphs of prolific wisdom. All we have right now are some caramels and a bag of dried fish that would actually go really well with some German brew, but alas there’s none of that either.

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of doing based on my thinking, and what I did was get myself a real job. I finally got myself an adult kinda gig in the corporate world. I don’t know how I did it. I have no experience in working in a corporate world or being an adult, and starting monday I’m going to have to be both. (By adult gig i mean office, business suit, 401k NOT web cams, bikinis and butt plugs) This is just for clarification purposes. Making this decision was not easy-after all I am giving up some dreams here for the sake of not having to dumpster dive every day for a piece of bread or a sweater. But I came up with a 3 year plan, which I think is a smart plan and perhaps after this time, I can make something of myself and move on. I want to do so many things with my life in the future. I have so many dreams and I guess I don’t want to spend my youth working paycheck to paycheck and not ever enjoying my life. Thusly, then, in brief I think this 9-5 thing is gonna be great for me, giving me enough freedom to be and create in my own time. I keep thinking about all those days that i spent walking around the city looking for some purpose. I’d go eat somewhere and people watch, maybe read a book, have too many glasses of wine and get way to nostalgic for my own good. I’m hoping that this job will take my mind off the past which i really think it will. I realized that your mind pulls you back when you have nothing to really focus on in the present.

The past, what a bitch she is. Now you could have had the best of times or the worst of times it doesnt matter. If you had the best of times you will spend your days sitting, drinking, eating peaches out of a can, crying into the phone and thinking about how great everything used to be-sleeping on peoples couches, eating breakfast at Best Diner on a hungover morning, having sex in mid-afternoon. Or if it wasnt such a great time, you’ll be sitting on the couch watching America’s Next Top Model Marathon, eating peaches out of a can, and blaming the awful past for turning you into a lazy fuckhead because of some unconfronted, pending fears of failure. Whatever. It doesnt matter. Living in the past is like getting left back in highschool. It sucks.

Anywho. I came up with a 2-3 year plan to get my life in order then go travelling. Selling my soul to corporate america is perhaps not the worst thing I could have done and its not like I work for Enron. I’ll pay off my student loans, get a new wardrobe, buy and iPhone and peace out to the South of France.

Je vois des grand choses en futur, peoples!

Something I will never understand...yet find unbelievably hilarious

Good-Bye Old Blahg

So, a wave of inpiration came over me to abandon my January 2007 blog and start anew. My old blog was linked (hehe no pun intented) to a kind of dark, incomprehesible, confused, roll-with-the-punches kind of past, dealing mostly with my life at a life-sucking restaurant to which I devoted a year of my life to.

I've done a lot of living since then, a rewarding kind of living, months of soul searching, and it seems now a meaning has emerged...not sure what kind...but I feel its presence, somewhere...here...in the air around me, and it looks like thiiiiis